God's day! If your God was Cropsy like mine is...

Sometimes the weirdest movie scenes come into your head when your walking into work at 7am on a sunday!!!!!



Does that make me strange??

"......and a happy New Year!!!!!!"

Watched Martyrs last night after managing to avoid all the fuss and controversy about the movie. I knew it was meant to be brutal and violent, but I managed to avoid plot details, images etc as i know when a film can be built up that when you eventually see it (ala Jack Ketchum's The Girl Next Door) it can be very disapointing. More so that I see for the dvd release in the UK at the end of the month it bore the obligitory review comparing it to Saw. "Makes Saw look like Seseme Street" I believe it said. Hmmmmmm "Comparing things to Saw and Hostel constantly looks like lazy journalism"



I purchased my Region 1 Unrated version this week, had my dinner last night and sat down with an open mind, though to be fair when a dvd starts with the director introducing the movie and apologising for what you are about to see it does worry me. So off it started and I'll have to admit an hour and a half down the line I was pretty speechless.



I'll give a basic plot summary. The film starts with Lucie as a child running free from some kind of warehouse. She is bloody, cut, thin. She is taken to a home for abused children where she meets Anna and Anna quickly becomes her protector. Lucie tells Anna what happened to her, that she was abducted, bound, tortured, starved and beaten on a daily basis for an unknown amount of time. By various people but with no sexual abuse. At night in the home Lucie sees this unknown female figure that is attacking her, mutilating her limbs. 15 years later and Lucie thinks she has found the people that tortured her and arrives on their door step with a shotgun and is intent on revenge and answers. But as Lucie and Anna are about to find out maybe the answers to all of their questions are something they could have never imagined or wanted to know.



Now to be fair that plot summary only actually describes like the first 30 minutes of the movie, I don't want to go any futher into it as it would ruin it. The movie is almost split into 3 sections, which works really well for it. All the actors are amazing in it, and have 100% commitment to what must have been a hard movie to film. The pace never rests and it one of those movies if you don't know much about it then you find yourself getting really into the plot because you want to know what is going on. It's very well directed by Pascal Laugier (who will be doing the Hellraiser remake).

Now the film is violent, don't get me wrong. It has some not nice moments. And I know alot of the assholes out there will rent this movie because it supposed to be really violent and controversial and the French tried to ban it. I think the French tried to ban it and the reason it's controversial isn't because of the violence, it's because of the subject matter. When you realise what this film is trying to say or even point out, it's a pretty loaded gun of a message. And that's what makes it a brave and thought provoking film. Infact I would even say it's a horror, yes horrific things happen, but I don't think it can be labelled that easily.

And what with the French!!!! When did they get so violent? I remeber seeing Switchblade Romance thinking they couldn't top that. Then Inside came out (which is more relentlessly violent than Martyrs) and I was like "what the fuckington fuck!" and now this!!!!! I can't believe it not all baggettes and croissants!


I yearn for these days! Trailer below!

HORROR MATH 101, Laurie Strode + Ellen Ripley = Jannicke

Okay just watched Fritt Vilt 2 (Cold Prey 2: Resurrection) and I have to admit I was pretty blown away with how amazing it was.

I really liked the first one alot (if you haven't seen I recommend), who knew Norway could do slashers? And by the time I saw the first one the sequel had already gone into production taking place right after the first.



As this one starts Jannicke is discovered where we left her at the end of the first one, bloodied, holding a pick axe on a snowy mountain in Norway. She is quickly brought to the nearest hospital (which is on the verge of closing down, so has minimal staff and patients), Jannicke's tells the police what happened (I won't spoil the first one) and they bring her friends and the killer Geir Olav Brath's bodies to the morgue and before you can even cough the words "Halloween 2" aloud Geir Olav Brath is back up and running like Michael Myers sporting a Han Solo on the planet Hoth look. Killing the remaining staff, patients and police to get to Jannicke.



Sounds pretty basic huh? Well it is but its fucking brilliant. 50 mins of the movie are devoted to character build up and for once we do care! (America take note) It's amazingly filmed, the tension build up is intense and the scares are not jump/stingers they are long built up and tense.

Jannicke is right up there with one of the best final girls ever, she goes from Laurie Strode catatonic (one of the films many Halloween 2 references) to Ellen Ripley get away from her you bitchness. I heart her and the Lesbians are gonna love this lady she kicks Norwegian ass.



Fritt Vilt (COLD PREY)



Fritt Vilt 2 (COLD PREY 2: RESURRECTION)

"I killed him!.....then I pissed myself with excitement"

Okay before anyone starts........I like Rob Zombie's Halloween. It wasn't trying to be anything great, it just what it was. A gritty horror. It was Halloween without all the supernatural stuff in it. Now H2 on the other hand is pant's wettingly, jaw dropping about to create a whole new element to the Halloween story, and I for one cannot wait until it is released cause my friends, that trailer looks bad-ass.
Now haters before you start, Halloween (the JC version) is one of my favourite movies...ever and nothing can perfect that movie. But you know the RZ version was flawed, but hey, what Halloween sequel hasn't been?
Nuff said!



See what I mean!!!!!!!

"Don't fuck with the fish from hell!".......

Basically to me the descision making process about movies can go 3 ways.

1: Talented people coming together and making bad descisions at every availible chance.
cough...Showgirls...cough

2: Why the hell was this even funded? I have had more creative bowl movements.
cough...Uwe Boll's career...cough

3: Amazing skilled directors making every availible correct descision making a movie
awesome before it is even made.

Alas Piranha 3D is fitting into the 3rd category. Alexandre Aja (I have erased all memory of Mirrors) has the golden horror touch (Switchblade Romance, The Hills Have Eyes, P2) so him remaking one of my favourite movies went down well, I saw The Hills Have Eyes....it rocked. Making Piranha in 3D.....even better. Making it a hard R rated movie.....aces.

So they didn't have to do anything else cool...I was already on board with a Homer style Piranha flag being waved.

Then this happened....



They cast Chris Parker from Adventures in Babysitting in the fucking lead. This is not even sliced bread, this is Jesus making a loaf into a fish kinda descision. Man I love Elizabeth Shue (Hollow Man HELLO!!!!!!). She is gonna be the chola in this movie. I cannot wait. I actually remember the video store I used to rent my movies out finding out it was my 11th birthday and actually giving me their copy of Adventures in Babysitting cause I rented it out so many times.

I wonder if the Piranha will swim at her in once scene and she'll be like

"Don't fuck with the babysitter!"

P.S When I said about Showgirls "talented people coming together" I clearly didn't mean Elizabeth Berkley...you got that right? Staring and kicking, that's all I'm gonna say.

Yeah or Meah!

All the voices are saying

"but Christopher, you liked the first one alot and the second one wasn't as bad as you thought"

Then another voice says

"Never forget The Hills Have Eyes Part 2...both of them!!!!"

And I feel I have been pre-warned.

Baited breath people........baited breath

Can't believe I haven't posted this yet.......

Excited....................check

Pant's wet.................check

Danielle fucking Harris....check

My bitter-sweet friend

Oh how I suck from your white sugar free teet.

In all seriousness though I have had 3 cans of this today and I know I have not had alcohol in 4 and a half months, but I feel wasted with the caffeine. Hyper does not describe it. I cannot type fast enough right now. I have just blurted out all my concerns to my new boss like a mad fool. Oh well................"Party like a Rockstar" indeed. I'am one can away from fucking Heather Locklear

Dyna....ste...nastie......nasty

Ok,

Maybe I shouldn't have had that rockstar. I have decided over the weekend to start watching Dynasty from the start and thinking about it now, Fallon kinda rocked. She is like a pre-Alexis Alexis at the start. And she was really pretty (The Pamela Sue Martin years not the Emma Samms years!)

And as good as season one of Dynasty is...........we are all waiting for the last episode to see the entrance of a certain veiled character to usher us into the glory years that was Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter. Those were good years. I want to time line my life post-Alexis and pre-Alexis.

Pre-Alexis = being born
Post-Alexis = everything that fucking ever rocked

"Susan Jeremy ah Jeremy Susan"

Hello,

Yay! It's my first ever post. I now realise I kind of have to say things to fill up these spaces. Man this seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway I would like to say that this blog will be about horror movies, and it will (pinky promise).

But I'am aware that my mind does wander and is filled with stuff. But hey ho, that's all the fun in this journey right............and speaking of which weren't Journey such a cool band????

So it Monday and I was working all weekend which was poo but I did manage to spend it watching 2 of the most camp horror movies ever, well maybe 1 and a half as i don't think the second one wanted to be a horror movie but it kinda was.

First up on saturday night was a personal favourite X-Ray (aka Hospital Massacre) (1982).

Man I love this movie.......it is Slumber Party Massacre/Showgirls bad/good. From the thread-bare plot to the "acting" to the sets. Plot wise we start at Susan's House (like The Eels song) 1961. Her house looks like Hallmark had vomited all over it, literally covered in paper cut out hearts. So it doesn't take Jessica Fletcher to figure out that it's valentines day. Young Susan Jeremy (Jeremy Susan) and male friend are playing with her train set (such a cock tease!) and are being watched through the window by another young boy. The young boy outside leaves a valentines for Susan (who clearly she and her trainset get around) on her doorstep. Susan discovers this and proceeds to rip up the valentine and joke with her friend that it from Harold, meanwhile Harold is watching at the window with quite an angry expression on his face.

Susan leaves all the trainset fun to go and cut some cake (with a machete style knife!!!!!! No really!!!!) and I swear she cuts it like she was cutting Maw Vorhees' head off. Anyway she goes back to the trainset to discover her male friend has been impaled and hanging from a coat stand (WTF!!!) with Harold staring in looking menacing.

Cut to 19 years later (not 20, not 15) and Susan (now looking NOTHING like she did as child) is on her way to the hospital to get some test results. But uh-oh it valentines day and it looks like Harold has been holding a 19 year grudge. Harold is now dressed as a surgeon and is doctoring Susan's results to keep her in hospital so he can get to her.

And he is killing anyone who seems to come in contact with her.

This film is crazy. From Susan's overacting (God bless you Barbi Benton!) to the fact that anyone who is male is a suspect. To the fact that no-one tells Susan what they think is wrong with her (killer has changed her x-ray's around) but insist on keeping her in and strapping her to her bed, and Susan's random just smoking in the hospital.

Basically the movie is an excuse to look at Playmate's Benton breasts, but if you look past that it is a hot camp mess. From the tranny looking nurses, to the bad camera work and the Omen style music. I hearted it and I kind heart Susan and Bambi Benton.



As for my other camp horror moment...more about that later! I'm off for a Rockstar.